Seeking Validation from Others… and Being Dismissed

by | Oct 28, 2020 | Relationship Languages | 0 comments

Seeking Validation from Others


I feel that humans spend a large part of their lives seeking validation from others… and pursue approval from others as well.

I believe that being heard and understood is my path to being and feeling validated…

Not having everyone agree with me on everything or really anything…  while it does not feel good in the moment, it does not mean that I don’t belong or that I am being dismissed.  It is just that I am being sensitive and perhaps emotional in that moment… and it is not personal… so I don’t flare up and make it personal.  It’s just energy.

It feels like being dismissed, like you don’t matter, and like your thoughts and feelings are insignificant. 

But, what’s really happening is that our need-y energy is pushing that validation and acknowledgement we want away from us.

Seeking Validation from Others is Baiting

When we fish for validation, it seems to always land us into a cauldron of feeling bad about ourselves. 

It is like going fishing with nothing for the fish to eat on that hook, and when there is food on that hook, that fish, that partakes of the bait, gets hooked… and its doom sealed.   Unless it is caught and released, but it still has a scar from that hook in its mouth.

Asking is Better than Fishing for Validation from Others

All we want is to just to be heard and understood.. it feels ooh so good… it is fulfilling, connecting, and loving.

For me, the seeking for validation started at home with a desire to please my parents for me… and then showed up in school… the workplace… and in my relationships…

Until I found the skill of giving the gift of being heard and understood to my loved ones.  Then my life and relationships shifted, my business and life started thriving.

And… when I feel blocked or am not experiencing thriving in any area of my life…

I learned to do things in order to be appreciated… valued.  

But… I found that the appreciation was temporary.  It would pass like the wind… quickly and sometimes abruptly.

Today… I look at where I am not being heard or understood OR who or where am I not hearing or understanding.  It’s powerful to observe from that space.  Then, I check-in to see if I am making something personal when it’s really not.

And, I wait a few days. 

If I am still experiencing the need to be appreciated, I ask for it.  Yep, I ask for it!  Let me say that again, I ask for it.

Expecting others to know and appreciate us… for what we want to be appreciated is like putting yourself on the edge of a cliff and stepping forward.  It sets us and them up for disappointment.

Instead, say ‘I need to feel appreciated for the way I handled the meeting yesterday.  Would you provide me with some positive feedback about what you experienced in how I handled the situation?’    There are many ways to ask for appreciation, this is just one example.  …And I am happy to help you with your specific situation to find the best words to ask.

But… there is a more fulfilling way.

Give validation to others, throughout your day… because the energy of you doing this, will bring the feel good feels and validation to you… for making a difference… for being The Difference.

Don’t forget to include yourself.

Here is a video about validation that makes the point I am trying to make about validating others…

It is one of my favorites and I share it often with my clients… and now I am sharing it with you.

Let me know what you think… drop me a comment below.


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Dr. Dar Hawks. Relationship Coach for Couples

Hello, I'm Dr. Dar

This is my little corner of the internet where I share simple, effective advice to help you have better, stronger, happier relationships.



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Hi, I’m Dr. Dar…

If I could share just one thing with you today, let it be this: you have the power to shape your relationship into what you want it to be.

I am Dar, the Relationship Healer. I help couples to solve the communication and relationship issues that could potentially tear them apart. 

Until I started on the coaching path that led to my formulation of the Relationship Languages, most of the problems in my life had been due to problematic relationships… relationships where I felt unable to communicate, where I was not being heard, where I was not feeling understood. 

I have learned that, to create happy, healthy, and harmonious relationships even when you have differences, you have to learn how to give and receive communication in a healthy way. You have to feel safe expressing how you feel and what you need. 

That’s the beauty of the Relationship Languages. Once understood, they are the key to safe, curious communication. 

I’m here to help you on your journey to understanding and being understood. 

From my heart to yours,

Dr. Dar - The Relationship Healer - The 5 Relationship Languages Quiz
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