Understanding the Toxic Dance Between Narcissists, Empaths and People Pleasers

by | Nov 15, 2020 | Relationship Languages | 0 comments

Narcissists <–> Empaths & People Pleasers

Understanding Their Toxic Dance

Narcissists and empaths
This morning, as I lay in between deep sleep and lucidity, the Voice of my Higher Self said ‘write about the toxic dance and seemingly never-ending cord of attachment between narcissists and empaths… share your perspective about it… and about The Universal Law of Duality, Polarity, and Consequence – because there is much misunderstanding and misinformation being provided to empaths for their process of being healed.’

So, here I have been sitting… since 6:30 a.m. off and on… waiting patiently for the words to fall onto this screen that you are on now.  For that I am grateful!

Let’s start with the characteristics of narcissism [Adapted from Source]:

Narcissists consistantly crave attention and praise and are extremely needy and demanding. They have unrealistic, often misguided, grand views of themselves, their lives, and their futures.

They are manipulative, condescending, and argumentative, all to get what they want. They are intensely controlling, dominating, and can be jealous to an extreme. They can be shy and prey on your empathy, giving, and caring or they can be dominating and assertive.

Often, they are immensely charismatic – their charm lures us into their lair.  They don’t show their tendencies until we have become enamored by them… and then… they emotionally, mentally, and spiritually abuse those around them for self-gain.  

They are known to call you selfish and blame you for anything and everything that does not align with their ideal and grand desires… which can change in an instant. Or they manipulate through using guilt, shame, and embarrassment against you.

They demand respect and loyalty… but do not do what it takes to earn it much less retain it.

Their vanity and self-adoration of their beauty draws us in as well.  The world in their head does not match up to your reality, but you can never convince them of it.

And, we are constantly puzzled at how much they exaggerate their accomplishments… make them up… and even lie about them.  When questioned, they masterfully turn it to the other person being the issue or problem.  They think and believe they are the most important thing on the planet.

When challenged or questioned, they criticize, blame, get angry, deny and lie even more… they believe their lies to be truth… and the person on the receiving end, starts to doubt themselves… regardless of how obvious the lie is or how much the truth is in crystal clear beyond any shadow of doubt.

In short, they are users, abusers, takers, manipulators, and handlers. Their lies are truth to them, and their ideas about themselves and the world they live in are far from reality and what’s happening in reality.

The thing is… we have enabled them to become larger than life monsters. 


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Listen to “Ep.20 Understanding the Attraction Between Narcissists and Empaths” on Spreaker.

But why are empaths and people pleasers so deliciously and irresistibly attracted to them? 

They exude ultra-confidence, never doubt themselves, and portray themselves as perfection and the best at everything. 

They are everything we, as empaths and people pleasers, are not.

But, they portray themselves, energetically, and initially as higher self versions of ourselves.  We just don’t see through the illusion they exude until we are head deep into their web of deceit.

Empaths and people pleasers, doubt themselves, sabotage themselves, question their confidence and abilities, and seek higher learning on their own but may miss the point of self-improvement and instead do it to appease others… which attracts the narcissistic or exploiting self serving behaviors in others. 

I say that empaths and people pleasers also practice humility which is why we do question everything. Because we look within as we observe others and our world, and process the energy… we take it on as though it is our weight to bear.  We as empaths and people pleasers, secretly or openly, want to transform the world and our world around us.  It is too much weight to bear, so we take in all that heavy energy.

But it does not have to be that way! 

Celebrating Hippo Symbolism - Dr. Dar Hawks

 Why These 4 Universal Laws Matter

  1. The Law of Divine Oneness Everything is connected to everything else.  Consequently, empaths falsely feel that they attracted the narcissist for a cosmic reason, to make a difference, and to maybe even cause transformation and change. Empaths come to believe that this love is so deep that it cannot be anything else but love.  However, it is energetic discord designed to help us find the oneness within, the love within, the honor within, the respect within. 
  2. The Law of Perpetual Transmutation of Energy – Every person has the capacity within them to change the conditions of their lives. Higher vibrations consume and transform lower onesWe find ourselves believing with incredulous conviction that we can change the condition of our lives by staying in this relationship.  Until one day, we find ourselves so utterly diminished that we are faced with choosing our life or our death, literally or figuratively. 
  3. The Law of Polarity – Everything is on a continuum and has an opposite. In our lopsided world of programming and conditioning, we, as women, have been taught to think that opposites attract, that we are the issue, that we are the ones that need fixing, and we’ve been indoctrinated into a world of problems that are always in need of solving.  People cannot be solved, and people are not problems.  I think that polarity, or duality, exists for us to discern what does and does not feel good… so that we can become adept at choosing what feels good. 
  4. The Law of Gender – Everything in nature is both masculine and feminine. Both are required for life to exist. Without the harmonic balance of both, there would no movement, motion, or creation.  Masculine energy is thought, feminine energy is the life force that brings the thought into form in physical reality. Together they form the creative process. Imbalances of these two energies can create a false sense of lack, hence attracting the opposite into our lives. 
  5. The Law of Conservation of Energy – Energy can neither be created nor destroyed; energy can only be transferred or changed from one form to another.  Remember, energy just is, and it can be transformed or moved.  Which is why those of us who identify with being empaths, highly emotional or sensitive, believe we are here to save others and the world.  We are here to cause transformation, to be healers, and to be healed.  However, we are not here to take on the world.  There is a subtle difference.

You see, we are not here to heal them or the world.  We are simply here to heal ourselves, shed whatever we’ve been told is true about having empathic abilities, and feel good about ourselves.  When we feel good about ourselves, our lives, work, and relationships, nothing can diminish our energy to being small and insignificant.

Once we get that we are not here to heal each other, or heal them… we find ourselves free from the toxic bondage.  You see, we can only heal ourselves and our own energies.  And through doing that, we cause transformation and healing in others, energetically. 

Not the other way around. 

Here are some other repetitive behaviors to look out for as big, loud, honking, red flags:

1. Conversation Hoarder – it is always all about them.
2. Chronic Conversation Interrupter – to make everything about them.
3. Rule Ignorer – does not think any rule applies to them.
4. Boundary Dismiss-er – does not see, consider, or even care about other people’s thoughts,
    feelings, physical space, or belongings… because it is all about them.
5. Prey on activating negativity – they love negativity because it makes them feel good and you
    feel bad.

I don’t prescribe to what empaths have been taught about being sponges, being stuck in unhealthy relationships, or needing crutches to just survive an hour in this world. Those models make us think that it is ultra hard to live our lives as empaths, emotionally astute, or highly sensitive beings.  They are based on the problem looking for a solution model.  I believe that empaths are not problems to be solved.  And I see human beings as energy beings. 

Because we are energy beings, we can discern what energy to take in and what not to take in.  We are not victims of energy coming in and out.  We are choosers.  But it requires understanding our energetic map, our own road map to our own unique energy. 

When you know what how that energy works in your body, then you can connect with it.  You will stop being the attraction magnet for gaslighting narcissistic behaviors in others.

Notice where in your life and relationships you are being downtrodden, or highly emotional or sensitive.  Notice what you are taking on.  Are you choosing it consciously?  Or have you just taken on the bad behaviors in others as an energy because energetically, you know you are  here to transform the energy?

I invite you to learn about your unique body energy map so that you can begin to manage, leverage, honor, and respect your energy… and know when energy is not yours, if it feels good, and if it does not… by honoring the wisdom of your body’s energy map. To learn more about Your Body Energy Map click the button now. 

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Dr. Dar Hawks. Relationship Coach for Couples

Hello, I'm Dr. Dar

This is my little corner of the internet where I share simple, effective advice to help you have better, stronger, happier relationships.



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Hi, I’m Dr. Dar…

If I could share just one thing with you today, let it be this: you have the power to shape your relationship into what you want it to be.

I am Dar, the Relationship Healer. I help couples to solve the communication and relationship issues that could potentially tear them apart. 

Until I started on the coaching path that led to my formulation of the Relationship Languages, most of the problems in my life had been due to problematic relationships… relationships where I felt unable to communicate, where I was not being heard, where I was not feeling understood. 

I have learned that, to create happy, healthy, and harmonious relationships even when you have differences, you have to learn how to give and receive communication in a healthy way. You have to feel safe expressing how you feel and what you need. 

That’s the beauty of the Relationship Languages. Once understood, they are the key to safe, curious communication. 

I’m here to help you on your journey to understanding and being understood. 

From my heart to yours,

Dr. Dar - The Relationship Healer - The 5 Relationship Languages Quiz
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