How to Receive When You Are A Giver and People Pleaser

by | Jan 27, 2021 | Healthy, Happy and Harmonious Relationships | 0 comments

How to Receive When You Are A Giver and People Pleaser

Welcome to Episode 21 of the Feel Good Superpower Podcast. Today, I’m talking about my process on how to receive when you are a giver and people pleaser.

As a woman who receives by giving, serving and helping and dare I admit it a people pleaser, I am owning that because there’s a lot of great qualities that are much needed in the world and in our communities and in our homes, and friendships around being a people pleaser. I’m now known as a diplomat, an advocate, a coach, facilitator, and mediator. All of those are also words for being a people pleaser crazy, right.

Giving was the way for receiving for me, it always felt really good to give, to do something for others and to be helpful. I had thought that I received through giving… that when I would give it would feel good and that was receiving.

Learn more about how I resolved this for myself and started receiving as a giver and people pleaser

Listen to “Ep. 22 How to Receive when You are A Giver and People Pleaser” on Spreaker.

How To Receive When You Are A Giver And People Pleaser

Full Unedited Transcript

How to Receive When You Are A Giver and People Pleaser

Welcome to Episode 21 of the Feel Good Superpower Podcast. I’m Dr. Dar your Feel Good Alchemist. I help women people pleasers thrive in their life, business and relationships and work by feeling good and managing their energy, emotions and sensitivity.  You can learn more about me and my programs at

Today, I’m talking about my process on how to receive when you are a consummate giver and people pleaser.

As a woman who receives by giving, serving and helping and dare I admit it a people pleaser, I am owning that because there’s a lot of great qualities that are much needed in the world and in our communities and in our homes, and friendships around being a people pleaser. I’m now known as a diplomat, an advocate, a coach, facilitator, and mediator. All of those are also words for being a people pleaser crazy, right.

But I digress.

Giving was the wave for receiving for me, it always felt really good to give, to beat to do something for others to be helpful. I had thought that I received through giving… that when I would give it would feel good and that was receiving.

The ways I would give would include:

  • Meaningful gifts, I put a lot of thought into gifts for people and even into the cards I chose for them.
  • Spending a lot of time and energy on finding just the right perfect one for this person that it was intended for going to events that I didn’t enjoy, but you know would go would go in order to be with those I care about or because it would really make that person happy. And it was something they thoroughly enjoyed.
  • Dropping everything in my life to be there for family and friends. And boy would that show, my own kitchen would have dishes piled up and laundry piled up in my bedroom or laundry room. But if a friend or family member called I would immediately go be with them, help them clean their house, help them get organized. Clean up the kitchen after a dinner party, you get the drill, right.
  • And then there was saying yes to a date, even though there were some clear signs that that was not the ideal person for me to go out with in that moment for my well-being or for me to thrive in because it was fun.
  • Let’s talk about work… being the one who took on the problem projects because I was the only one that could make them better or turn them around, get everyone to align and work together quickly and effectively because of because of my incredible people communication, negotiation and organization skills. I remember hearing people say give it to Darshana she’ll get it done.

It took me several years to recognize that I got overlooked for the promotions, the bonuses, the recognition or the acknowledgement personally and professionally.

Because I enjoyed being chosen being selected for every role, or everything that I said yes to.

It was fun, it was challenging at times and it brought out my talents. And that I thought made up for not getting more money or gifts that glorified title or that corner office.

But after many years, reporting to different managers having different friendships, having many relationships and getting turned down and even being told I was too nice.

I was too valuable to change or promote or even subtly being discriminated for my race, my religion and being different from the mostly white and female dominated places I would congregate or attend or be in. Until one day

I got tired of being overlooked, taken advantage of and exploited.

By then I’d already trained everyone to expect me to show up and give so my request for a title recognition acknowledgement a thank you or appreciation fell on deaf ears because I had already spent weeks or months or years giving And showing up and doing and just, you know, causing change and transformation and making the world better for others.

Recently, I’ve been contemplating my question this question,

Why don’t I receive in my life?

Why am I not a receiver?

In what ways can I bring my giving nature into balance with receiving?

And these are the things that came up for me.

I wanted so badly to be chosen by the great guy for a date, a skate or promotion.

Yes, I’m making a reference to the skating rink and couples, couples skating, you know, sitting there looking, hoping somebody would come and ask me to skate. That didn’t feel good.

Here are some more things that came to my mind:

I wanted so badly to be chosen for that price promotion and corner office with Windows. And then I realized how many times I’d said no to the one guy that asked me to skate.

Saying no to that one guy that asked me to skate at the skating rink? Was I really sending the message out that no, I really don’t want to be asked to skate. I didn’t think of that then.

Then I thought, gosh, all of this feels materialistic and shallow.

But darn it I do deserve some some breaks, invitations, kudos and recognition in material form.

Then this came up for me. My ingratitude about receiving in general… here are some examples:

  • The number of times I dishonored and disrespected being giving some given something which was receiving something.
  • Family members come to visit and try to hand me cash as they leave. And may say, No, I appreciate it. It’s great that you came to see me and that’s really the greatest gift you can give me.
  • When I did get a gift, I would think to myself, Oh, I thought she or knew she or he knew me better than that. And what universe would they think I would like this, it’s hideous, or Oh, I can’t stand that color. Or oh my gosh, it’s, it’s not me. Again, being dismissive.
  • I would keep track of the gifts I received. Because I learned that through role models in my in my youth, keeping track of the gifts I receive, so that when the day comes to give that same person a gift, then give them an equal representation of dollars or rests or less to, to balance out the giving and receiving so that I don’t owe anyone anything.
  • The surprise engagement ring that I didn’t really like. It was either too small or not big enough, or the color wasn’t right or the design wasn’t right. who wasn’t feeling great at having these awarenesses.
  • The things I would say or think I’m not lucky.
  • I never win anything.
  • No one ever picks me to be in their group, or class or project.
  • And then I again remembered the skating rink. Every time couple skates would begin I’d sit there wishing someone would ask me to skate with them. Then the one or two times I’d at was asked I said no because of something I judged about them when I didn’t even know them, or some inherent fear in me. But really what I was saying, and thinking we’re in opposition to each other, I wanted to be asked to skate and invited to skate. And yet I was fearful of doing it. So they contradicted each other and canceled each other out energetically.

By now I’m hoping that you’re getting some awarenesses around just how we as human beings have taught especially as people pleasers not to receive. I’m willing to bet to that, like me, you don’t ask for help because it takes a lot of energy to ask for help.

And we can just get things done quickly and effectively. And asking for help requires us to let go of our perfectionism or it being done a certain way or needing to take the time to explain how we want it done.

There’s a lot of heaviness around asking for help but asking for help is also connected to receiving and asking for what we specifically want needs to be done in a clear way. And then it needs to be received.

Are you feeling me here?

Then I thought my gosh I’m so horrid. Because I keep dismissing it when people offer to help me or give me gifts, or when people are generous and kind, I question it I become suspicious and I distrust their intentions. I inherently love giving but I was also taught to be a giver, a good girl, and taught to be judgmental when I received and to say no, instead of taking recently, I thought I would look deeper into this thing called receiving because I wanted to have a beautiful reciprocal exchange and balance between my giving nature and my ability and just my desire to receive and bring that giving and receiving into harmonic balance because they go together. one without the other. It just doesn’t work, it’s not sustainable.

So, I went to the dictionary and thesaurus and studied the word receive and Etymology The word received means come into possession of to acquire or receive a gift, it also means to act as a receptacle or container like the sister and that receives water from the roof, when it rains.

It also means to assimilate through the mind or senses like receiving new ideas, I thought my gosh do I have that nailed, I have so many ideas, but I stopped, I no longer beat myself for not up for not implementing all of them, I am now I now receive those ideas. Now, I choose which ones are in alignment and which ones feel good and which ones I want to take further. I connected the dots… I do receive Yes, I receive ideas.

So then I thought you know what, I’m still not feeling this shift to this harmonic balance between giving and receiving. I wanted to learn more about how the word received came into being how it got formed. This English word received comes from the Latin word capio. And that word capio means I capture, I take in, understand or I take on…

I thought no wonder my approach to receiving was through giving which equated to achievement taking things on without reward.

The words I take on resonated for me with the energy of the word receive as to how I would operate with giving, I would take things on which was the energy of giving but not really receiving, but it made sense oh my gosh, this word receive and the origin of it No wonder I you know would take things on. But I wanted to know more because energetically the words the definition I take on did not really feel like what I was looking for around what I wanted to have happen around receiving.

So I dug deeper. To me words matter words have energy and I wanted to know more. The word the the prefix re added that’s added towards means an action being done again like return which means going back or backwards.

But the word recipient to the word means I recapture in the context of a memory or an experience. It also means I receive, but it also means I take back regaining the possession of something or I take upon myself I undertake so still I wasn’t quite there I was getting closer I could feel it I was getting closer to what this energy of receiving means in the context of manifest manifesting attraction and having but I wasn’t still quite there. Then I learned receiving can be about giving or being given something. Receiving also means to meet someone when they arrive. And it also means to react to something or someone in a particular way that shows how you feel about that thing him or her.

By now I was clear about how my unhelpful attitude about receiving was resulting in me Well, not receiving none of these definitions aligned with the energy energy energetic partner of the word giving. So I wanted to see just how many word variations and associated definitions existed for this word receive and here’s I found more achy feelings, and thoughts and beliefs and hidden attitude.

A receivable – A receivable is something still to be received by the person or company to whom money is owed, or the item is owed, amounts or something owed by customers to accompany at a particular time and not yet paid. You get it right. This still felt icky to me energetically that energetic feeling of owing something or being indebted. Once again, I thought, No wonder I’m not a receiver.

This word receivable is ingrained in business and in work. Here’s another word that we experience frequently in our day to day or weekly activities. The word receipt that word means something such as a piece of paper or message proving that money goods or information have been received by us. The act or state of receiving money or goods, a piece of paper, which proves that money or goods have been received. And a piece of paper that shows the price of something that you have bought and proves that you paid for it. I felt heavy, almost felt resigned to never really being a manifestor or receiver. Proving that I received something that again did not feel like the loving partner to the energy or giving up giving paying attention to the cost and what what what I paid for what I received, still achy.

By now I’m seeing I was seeing how whacked my inner hidden attitude towards receiving really was. But I knew I was getting closer though, because the word related to the act of receiving something and then keeping tabs on it. So I dropped the keeping tabs of it. And I wanted to know more about a person who receives which led me to the word receiver. And here’s what I learned about what the word receiver means. A person who officially deals with the business matters of companies who cannot pay their debts. There’s their in it indebtedness, the indebtedness or the energy of owing again, and then in football, it means a football it’s a let me just try that again. In football, a receiver is one of the players who can catch the ball on the team that’s trying to score points.

Receiver also means a piece of electronic equipment that changes radio and television signals into sound and pictures. So I thought, hmm, a receiver is someone who catches something. I kind of like that, you know, I immediately went to the visual of all of the bridesmaids, vying to catch the bouquet when the bride tosses it, catching it catching receiving, I liked that I was getting closer. But I still wasn’t there around the indebtedness that’s not even close to what I was seeking, being indebted is what givers and people pleasers can feel when receiving anything from others. But the notion of a piece of electronic equipment that changes radio and television signals into sound and pictures. resonated not really about the equipment, but from a what if perspective.

So what if I was the equipment?

What if you’re the equipment?

And what if your inner signals consist of your energy, beliefs, actions, thoughts, and feelings and words?

And what if yours and my outer signals consisted of not being open to receiving, like the times I dismissed compliments or said no to receiving money?

Because I was just glad to be able to give or saying yes to something those would equate to sounds or that would and the pictures could be having an image in our minds of not receiving, or it could be having a picture in our minds or on our vision board of pining for something that we wanted to receive, but we’re not yet receiving who we are. This opens something up in my heart and soul. I bet you can tell from my voice and the change in the energy in my voice already. I was getting closer to connecting with the energy of receiving.

Then I found the word receivership. It means a situation in which a company is controlled by the receiver because it has no money or a situation in which a bankrupt company is under the control of a receiver. My heart fell… my shoulders shrugged. I got a little more tense. This word receivership made me see clearly with tears, followed by a deep sigh of relief to know that there was nothing wrong with me.

There’s nothing wrong with you either… that I and we were just taught and conditioned to think receiving was related to owing something to indebtedness.

I finally came to an understanding as to why I was not receiving, I had connected it energetically to being controlled, manipulated or indebted, to or by others, a person or organization or circumstance, I could feel my throat constricting my chest tightening up, as this truth surfaced from the haloes of my gut. It felt uncomfortable.

I just sat there, allowing the tears and the feels to flow. I did not get distracted, so I would not feel the pain and discomfort. I sat one breath, breath in one breath out until suddenly I heard a voice say, keep looking.

And then BAM, I found this word reception. It means a formal party at which important people are welcomed. It means a way in which people react to something or someone and the act of welcoming someone or something. Now I knew I was onto something, my shoulder started falling and relaxing my chest and back straightened up my head and chin were up. My chin was parallel to the ground, it still is as I share this with you.

Now I knew I was onto something… I arrived. The act of welcoming someone or something a party. Receiving as a people pleaser and giver is the act of welcoming something or someone into our lives. Receiving is having a party in our minds bodies, and with our feelings and contemplation of receiving something. Oh, this felt really good and continues to feel good. And it’s so aligned. I did not have to do affirmations every day of the ones that I had been doing. I stopped visualizing about receiving and mind body and mind and soul experienced a deep shift, a profound and simple shift.

What if I simply welcomed and celebrated receiving without attachment, without anything to go with it. Without anything specific.

I said in that moment today going forward I relish welcome and celebrate receiving. Today I invite you to join me in and relish welcome and celebrate receiving don’t put any specific thing you want to receive. Because it won’t work effectively like it didn’t for me when I was putting specific things on it specific pictures and things. It won’t work effectively until you embrace in your body this feeling of receiving this energy of receiving.

It is my hope and desire that my process of sharing the definitions and my process of going through this research of the words and the energy of the words helps you and guides you to arrive at welcoming receiving. say this with me. I welcome receiving I celebrate receiving.

Now that’s something my mind can really latch on to and believe. Like I believe I welcome receiving. I believe I celebrate receiving that I can do. There’s no attachment to anything. There’s simply the presence of the welcoming and celebrating of receiving. There’s no attachment. There’s freedom. You don’t have to physically do anything to celebrate either but you can if you desire at a daily ritual. my morning ritual is to say I welcome receiving I celebrate receiving as I drink my morning Java. And when I lay in bed before I fall asleep, it’s simple. I say the same thing. I welcome receiving I celebrate receiving and I know and trust that it’s only for my highest good and benevolence from a place of benevolence. Whatever comes into my life.

Sometimes I do light my candle and add it to my meditation time you can do this when walking or during your yoga practice or whatever else it is that you do. This is a mental emotional and spiritual shifting process. I welcome receiving, I celebrate receiving and I want you to know I have a grin on my face I have this smile. This feel good smile on my face. Feels good, doesn’t it? I experienced a mental emotional and energetic shift and I’m sensing you are too.

I invite you to take one step.

Just take this one step and welcome receiving celebrate bright receiving and be in reception of receiving.

Let me know what happens in your life and what happens as a result of you welcoming and celebrating receiving. I want to hear from you.

I can’t wait to hear the results you’re receiving and what you’re experiencing with this simple act of welcoming and celebrating receiving

How To Receive When You Are A Giver And People Pleaser

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Hi, I’m Dr. Dar…

If I could share just one thing with you today, let it be this: you have the power to shape your relationship into what you want it to be.

I am Dar, the Relationship Healer. I help couples to solve the communication and relationship issues that could potentially tear them apart. 

Until I started on the coaching path that led to my formulation of the Relationship Languages, most of the problems in my life had been due to problematic relationships… relationships where I felt unable to communicate, where I was not being heard, where I was not feeling understood. 

I have learned that, to create happy, healthy, and harmonious relationships even when you have differences, you have to learn how to give and receive communication in a healthy way. You have to feel safe expressing how you feel and what you need. 

That’s the beauty of the Relationship Languages. Once understood, they are the key to safe, curious communication. 

I’m here to help you on your journey to understanding and being understood. 

From my heart to yours,

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